Stage 5
06 March 2006 - 22:27 .
I visited with my ex for a few hours tonight. We went for dinner, and we talked a fair amount. I have to say it was wonderful to see her again. She still makes me smile with her wit, and the light in her eyes. That's what made it all the more difficult to leave at the end of our visit.We spoke for a fair length of time about 'us' during the course of the evening, and there was no shortage of soul-baring. There's quite obviously a lot of emotion in her, and I know she cares, perhaps more than she's willing to admit. As do I. Sometimes that's just not enough though.
In the final accounting, she's just not in the right mental place for a long term, committed relationship right now. Obviously, it's a bit more complicated than that, but in the interests of brevity and privacy, that's what I'll put here.
And so I'm clearly, definitively, and undeniably single again. I think perhaps for the past few weeks I've been holding off on admitting this to myself, with some form of self-delusion that things would work themselves out between us. Why wouldn't I? Splitting up was her idea, not mine.
But now that it's done I find that a strange peace has descended over me. I'm not happy about it by any stretch of the imagination, make no mistake, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't negotiate someone else's feelings. I can't make her change the way she feels about where she is in her life. And I wouldn't want to change it anyways. So we have no choice but to move on. I accepted this tonight.
So now it's back to the introspection for a while, and exploration of the inner self. No dating, not for a long while yet. Spending time with my friends, and mostly with my self.