2 Steps Forward
30 March 2006 - 01:04.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes you have bad days. Today was one of the latter rather than the former I'm afraid. Two steps forward, one step back. There's been a lot of confusion in my mind today, and not enough focus - too many random thoughts spinning around like the teacups, refusing to sit still long enough to be properly cogitated upon. It's left me feeling somewhat like I've been tossed about in a dinghy during a tropical storm.
The good side to this is that I still end up with a net gain. A single bad day is just that - a single day. The overall picture remains optimistic... my back is slowly getting better, the clocks are about to change (more sunlight time!!), and I'm keeping busy. I've been working on fixing a boat at the rowing club among other things, and that alone gives me a sense of accomplishment.
Restauranting and weekend update
26 March 2006 - 18:06.
The weekend has been good to me. Lots of time at the rowing club, time alone with some World Beats and books, and a night out with one of my oldest friends have put me in a great place, mentally. My friend A. and I went out for dinner last night (restaurant review after the jump), then wewnt to play some pool. And we drank lots of vodka. The time was great. He and I drifted apart over the past few years, and we didn't see as much of each other as either of us would have liked. It's good to see that we can miss the time, and pick up right where we left off.
Most of my friends are like that. I don't have many people I would call true friends, but those few are friends for life. A. has been a friend for nearly 23 years now - meaning we met when I was 14. Gawd I'm old......
Enough of that; for a review of a mediocre, read the content after the jump...
But wait! There's more!
Improvements
24 March 2006 - 13:17.
I'm feeling a lot better these last few days. A lot stronger, emotionally, and I'm regaining my balance and my focus. Having back problems can sometimes be a mixed blessing, but in this case it's helped me. It's provided me with something to focus on. Something fairly small (this time) where the results are directly related to the amount of effort I put in. The more I treat my ailing back properly, the better it feels.
You know how when you're stumped on a problem, people will tell you work on something else, and try to forget the problem at hand? And then almost invariably the resolution will present itself? I've gone through the same sort of transition these past few days, but on an emotional level> By focusing on the physical, the mental/ emotional side has started to work things out by itself. And I feel a lot better for it.
Running the gamut
22 March 2006 - 12:30.
Sometimes being an emotional creature is difficult.
My previous entry about what it means to be me is fairly accurate, but doesn't cover the depth or range of emotion I sometimes find myself experiencing. Having grown up in a loving, supportive household, I only ever had positive role-models when it came to emotional awareness. And so I never really learned to suppress, filter, or otherwise rein in my emotions. When I feel, I emote.
And the past 36 hours have seen me go to both ends of the spectrum, and most points in between, all with great intensity. No half-way measures here! I've felt betrayal, elation, frustration, anger, sadness, contentment, joy, and a whole plethora of others. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the extremes. I feel a joy that brings me so high that I can look down upon Mt. Everest. I feel a betrayal that leaves me feeling as if I've been stabbed through the heart. I gain a sense of contenment deep enough to rival a Bhuddist monk. And it all switches from one to the next in the space of seconds. No stopping point, near instantaneous transition. It's almost overwhelming.
Night and Day
20 March 2006 - 20:22.
It's interesting the difference a few days, some email, and friends can make.
The weekend was productive, overall. Teaching rowing I've spoken of. Icing my back helped with the pain I'm experiencing. Last night was a trip to Pitt Meadows to visit with some friends and watch the Canuckleheads get blown out (a whole rant unto itself, the Canucks). Lousy game, good times.
Then today I received an invitation to a party at the end of the month, which is a whole other kettle of fish. It's been a while since I've been to a decent party, and this one promises to have a couple dozen people, possibly more. And I know 1 person. Which means I'll have a great chance to practice the socializing skills again, which is something that's fallen by the wayside. And this coming weekend, I have dinner plans with an old friend.
Things are getting better.
Completed
19 March 2006 - 17:25.
I think I've got the last of the archives up and online now. I don't think I've missed anything, but if I have, I offer my apologies
Premature?
19 March 2006 - 17:12.
In an
earlier post I spoke about having reached stage 5 of the grieving process, and I wonder if perhaps I was a bit premature in making that declaration. For those who don't remember their early psych classes, the five stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And in saying that I'd accepted the truth of the matter I was correct. And yet I still find myself to be occasionally faced with bouts of mild depression. Shall we split the difference and call it stage 4.5 then?
Knowing it is somewhat different than feeling able to do anything about it. I've been clinically depressed in the past (many long years ago), and I can definitely say that this one isn't as bad. That doesn't mean I'm impervious though. The introspection I've been doing helps of course, as does the time teaching rowing at the club. Being injured works against me, since I've been using cycling as a stress reducer. And my own return to rowing has been delayed briefly pending a lack of back pain.
The end of the depression is near, that I can tell. I don't mope the way I have recently. My thoughts are no longer preoccupied and dominated by a woman who doesn't want me as a significant other. My mind is my own more often than not. My heart no longer aches constantly. And I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel is not, in fact, a freight train rushing headlong at me.
The Day After
18 March 2006 - 20:14.
As always, I took a vacation day from work for my birthday. I find it morally and ethically reprehensible to work on ones birthday, and really, what better gift can you give yourself? So off I go... to try snowboarding.
Now, I started skiing when i was 4 years old. However, everyone I spoke to said that I should forget everything I learned skiing, since snowboarding is so completely different. One thing I learned about half way through my lesson is that the falls are much harder. One in particular was especially bad.
So I spent the last half of my birthday, and much of today, lying flat on my back with an ice pack under me. It's starting to feel a bit better now, and I no longer walk around hunched over - there's something to be said about walking upright. My orginal plans for tonight are screwed.
In the meantime though, I have to say that I really did enjoy the snowboarding. It was a lot of fun, if somewhat frustrating for someone who normally can pick up a sport easily. But overall I enjoyed myself, and yes, I'll be trying it again.
On Blogging redux
17 March 2006 - 08:43.
When I started writing this little bit of nothingness, I knew who all my readers were. Being a geek of the type that reads raw log files, I came to recognize certain IP addresses. Now I can identify only a small handful. Statistics are showing that there's over 100 people that have come through and read these pages in the past 11 days (not including spiders, bots, and feed readers). This is far more than I envisaged when I started writing so openly about my deepest feelings.
The catharsis for me is in the writing, not the sharing. And as much as I may not care what others think of me, I do care to some degree about people having pre-conceived notions about who I am and what I'm about. Technology is a tool, something to be used to better our situations. Not something that allows us to feel that we know who we're reading about. Face time, phone calls and personal emails are far better at helping to learn what makes someone tick. I don't what to be defined by, or thought of only in relation to, the words that appear on these pages
So I'm still going to be writing about feelings and emotions, but not to the same depth. I've built myself another site which will let me do the writing that let's me purge my soul. Here, you're more likely to see actual fluff.
What it means to be me
17 March 2006 - 02:57.
Yeah, I know... it's late. Or early, depending on your perspective. What can I say... I don't sleep well lately.
So today is my birthday. That makes me a Pisces on the cusp of Aries. Normally I'm not a big believer in astrology, but I was curious so here's a snippet of a report I pulled from http://Astro.com (with slight rewording where specific houses are referred to). I leave it to those who truly know me to decide if there's truth in any of this...
But wait! There's more!
Drainage
12 March 2006 - 23:33.
I feel almost emotionally drained right now. This last weekend, I've spent so much time talking to people, and writing, about emotion that it's almost like someone has pulled a plug. Make no mistake though - there's still plenty of emotion there (after all, I
am a Pisces). I just feel like I've expended so much of it this weekend that I need to stop for a few days to refill.
Overall, it's been a pretty good weekend. Lots of time at the rowing club. Some time with friends. A visit with my grandparents. And a fair amount of time for soul searching.
But wait! There's more!
Horsepower Therapy
11 March 2006 - 15:36.
It's a gorgeous day out today, so I took one of my motorbikes to the rowig club. I feel slightly better having done this. Motorbikes are exhilirating for me, and I derive the most perverse pleasure from going down the road in a lower gear, hearing the exhaust noise bounce off the buildings around me, and listening to the sounds of car alarms go off as I pass by. It just warms the cockles of my heart. The adrenaline I get from leaning around corners and doing well beyond the safe riding speed... feeling the back end slip as I hit a patch of road dust or gravel... it almost goes beyond description. What a rush.
Side Effects
11 March 2006 - 07:17.
As I mentioned
earlier I'm trying to dvelop a new weekday routine. It's evidently working too well. It's 7:15 am, and I've already been awake for a well over a half hour. I just couldn't lay in bed anymore.
I wish I could get my mind to slow down, or better still to shut off entirely. My mind has been going a mile a minute this past week as I adjust to the new world order of single-dom. I'm still quite upset about the whole thing, but I know that I'm past the denial, anger and bargaining stages of grief. And while I may be flirting with depression, I've accepted the matter as fact despite my abhorrence for it. Now if I could find a way to keep my mind occupied, I'd be just ducky.
.
On Blogging
10 March 2006 - 02:37.
Many moons ago and in a different site design,
I wrote about not wanting to feel a compulsion about blogging. So what do I do? I got out and install proper blog software on my server.
In the intervening months since that entry was originally written, I've spent a fair amount of time on the blogosphere, and I've come across a number of different themes that bloggers use. This entry is about my theme. Be warned though... this one rambles a bit more than most.
But wait! There's more!
Seen on the Internet
08 March 2006 - 15:05.
I came across
this website during some down time today. I think the worst part of it is that some poeple will actually believe. For myself, I just can't seem to stop chuckling...
Yet more testing
07 March 2006 - 15:36.
So I need to do some more testing on my server. Over the next few days, you may see the odd wierdness here and there, including missing pages, or the inability to post comments. I apologize for the disruption this may cause. As always, if you need to reach me, I can be found at j[dot]colwell (at) telus[dot]net.
I'll be using this post to test with. It'll change, get comments, and all sorts of other fun stuff.
Thanks in advance for your patience.
Stage 5
06 March 2006 - 22:27.
I visited with my ex for a few hours tonight. We went for dinner, and we talked a fair amount. I have to say it was wonderful to see her again. She still makes me smile with her wit, and the light in her eyes. That's what made it all the more difficult to leave at the end of our visit.
We spoke for a fair length of time about 'us' during the course of the evening, and there was no shortage of soul-baring. There's quite obviously a lot of emotion in her, and I know she cares, perhaps more than she's willing to admit. As do I. Sometimes that's just not enough though.
But wait! There's more!
Morning musings
04 March 2006 - 08:39.
So I find myself on a Saturday morning, at 8:30, having already been awake for over an hour. I'd much rather be asleep right now, but I'm afraid it's not going to happen right now.
I've been getting up early for the past couple weeks, trying to establish a new morning routine. The net effect of this is that my body is now accustomed to being up at 6:00 am. So waking up at 7:15 as I did today is somewhat of a sleep in for me. Still I was hoping to sleep in much later than that. My body is tired from bicycle riding, my shoulders and back are sore from massage therapy treatments. And my brain feels like so much mashed potato.
I need to go back to sleep...
The Zen of Being
02 March 2006 - 14:55.
Recently, someone whose opinion matters to me told me that I haven't recently been doing the best job at keeping things in perspective lately. Now, those that know me will confirm that there are few people who can cause me to stop and re-evaluate my world - I tend to be pretty confidant that way. But in this case, the words were said, and I took a few days to process what was told to me. And she was right. So I stopped to do some stock-taking.
But wait! There's more!
Get the Raid!!
01 March 2006 - 06:34.
So it seems that the blog software I'm using has a small bug, that under certain circumstances will cause the stylesheet to disappear, and will make only the text appear. It's a quick repair job, but still somewhat of a pain in tha ass.
I've enlisted the help of the development team on this. And the reason I'm telling you about it is to give you fair warning that you may end up seeing the occasional wierdness... Don't worry. Be Happy...